Sixty Is The New Fifty

We’ve all heard these phrases “Sixty is the new fifty and fifty the new forty,” and so on.  I’m fifty-seven and some days my body feels like I’m eighty.  My back hurts, my hands are swollen and I’m slow to rise so that’s not exactly a feeling of youthfulness.  I don’t let it keep me down and a large part of it is my attitude.  If I focus on what is going wrong with my body rather than what is right I start acting like I’ve got one foot in the grave.  So what does this have to do with online dating you may ask.  Everything! I came across another dating site www.seniorpeoplemeet.com and they have a wealth of articles, one which relates to this topic.  Below is a short excerpt.

Looking young may be one thing, but feeling and acting it is an entirely different issue. There’s no denying that the frenetic pace that work and society demands can add undue pressures on a person, but ever wonder how it can affect your dating life?

The good news for prime singles is that they’re not alone. According to the American Association of Retired People, there are an estimated 85 million baby boomers in North America, and 30 percent of the boomer population is single. And many, approximately 63% according to a 2003 A.A.R.P. study, are actively dating.

Observes single-living lifestyle expert, Sherri Langburt: “Singles in the fifty plus set are more active and vibrant than ever before and are seeking companions who share that sense of adventure and spirit.”

So what does this mean to us Baby Boomers? Attitude is everything! Yes, my back and feet may hurt but that’s because I dance 3 nights a week.  Sometimes, I’m tired of doing school work but that’s okay because I chose to expand my knowledge and keep my memory sharp by taking a class.  Sometimes I’m feeling lonely and disconnected from life but that’s okay because I can change that by joining a group of people who share a common interest.  One idea is  http://www.meetup.com.  My girlfriend, who has jumped into online dating has also joined a meetup group that hikes  and just the other day she met a woman who travels with groups that hike.  Their next trip is to Italy!  Speaking of travel, there is the Road Scholar program www.roadscholar.org.  You can sign up for these travel excursions as a single.  What a great way to meet people and learn at the same time.  And lastly, I find that spending time with younger people also helps me to keep a youthful attitude.

On another note, this will be my last “official” Baby Boomer Online dating blog as I have completed my social media marketing class. I never thought I would be good at blogging or even enjoy it but turns out I love blogging.  So look for more blogs on different subjects in the future.  Feel free to leave a comment.  I’d love to hear what you think.

May you be blessed with your search.  Happy Online Dating!

 

Coffee, Farmers Market, and Dating Criteria

 

So you met for coffee, went to the Farmer’s Market or somewhere else for your first date or possibly this was a “meet and greet” to determine whether you even wanted to have a first date.  You seem to want to get to know each other a little better so it is time for the first date or perhaps the second date.  I came across this blog by Ken Solin and I think it has some great information about 5 things you should consider before you go on a second date.  You can read it by clicking on the link, however I will give you the quick overview:

http://www.boomeon.com/posts/boomers-what-s-your-second-date-criteria

1. Has your date done any type of personal growth work, individual or group therapy, been in a men’s or women’s group, attended any workshops or lectures about personal growth or relationships, read any books or magazine articles about relationships, or done anything at all that indicates the ability to co-create a successful relationship? This is critical since every relationship faces challenges.

2.  Does your date have any same sex friends? It’s important because it points to trust.

3.  Did your date show interest in you and your life? Did he or she ask you a fair number of questions? A frequent complaint is a first date that didn’t stop talking about his or her life and failed to ask their date anything about theirs. This is a red flag because it suggests someone self-involved and self-involved people don’t make good partners for obvious reasons.

4.  Does your date have some means of support? Unless you’re okay with financing the relationship, this matters.

5.  Physical chemistry is vital, but I’m not suggesting sex too early in a relationship. It’s a good idea not to become sexual until both partners feel confident the relationship is viable. It helps avoid the hurt feelings that accompany rocket ride, failed relationships. Since the great majority of couples feel that a satisfying relationship embodies strong physical chemistry, it’s worth asking your date how important they feel it is.

You might be a little shy or nervous to ask these questions but by asking these questions in the beginning you can save yourself a lot of time and possibly heartache.  It’s much easier to break it off early rather than thinking something will change.  These questions are the meat of a relationship.

Another option would be to consider these questions while scanning profiles on an online dating site.  Yes, perhaps people may or may not be truthful, however, by having a list of questions to get started, it does make it a little easier.  OkCupid.com has you answer hundreds of questions and rate the importance of each question.  That is how they determine your compatibility.  If you have the fortitude to go on OkCupid.com and answer these questions I highly recommend it.  The site is free and you can get real clear on what is important to you.

Feel free to comment on your experience of a second date or any of the online dating sites.  The comment button is at the top which is that little cloud.

Happy Dating!

May – planting the seeds of love

When I think of May I’m reminded of parades, planting gardens, and Mother’s Day.   I love May!  It’s not quite summer yet but it’s beginning to warm up.   In most of the U.S. the cold is over -there is no more worry about frost and it is okay to plant the garden.  What does all this have to do with online dating?   For me it has to do with love – planting the seeds of love.  I’ve written previously about being a hopeless romantic.  And you know what?  That’s okay.  May boasts of parades, new beginnings and love.   A friend of mine bragged the other day of having 5 dates in 5 days.  So get going – the cold winter is over!

And for more tips about online dating I’d like to share a  blog titled “You Can Succeed at Online Dating” from one of my all time favorite women in the world, Dr. Christiane Northrup.  You can read it here:

http://www.drnorthrup.com/blog/2014/01/you-can-succeed-at-online-dating

If you have a story you’d like to contribute please feel free to send an email to: bonitagordonconsulting@gmail.com.

 

 

Cougars and Dating?

Somewhere along the line we’ve all heard the term “Cougar” in relation to older women dating younger men.  The question begs to be asked WHY would an older woman want to date a younger man?  The answer is Because We Can!  Baby Boomer women are looking good, feeling good, and want a man who can keep up with her.  It seems to be quite acceptable that older men want to date younger women so why not older women and younger men.  AND because there may be more sexual chemistry,  younger men may be more relationship oriented,  wanting to settle down, and possibly less baggage.

Sexual Chemistry: With dating a younger man there may be more sexual chemistry as opposed to a man your own age where dating can almost feel like warm fuzzy slippers.  A woman in her sexual prime wants more than fuzzy slippers in a relationship.

Masculine Pursuit: Younger men have sufficient testosterone and they are chemically and biologically wired to pursue women.

Bonding and Commitment: Younger men may be more attuned to bonding and commitment.  Men in their late 20s to early 30s are in the prime marriage-seeking time of their life.  Many of them actively desire a relationship with an attractive woman with some emotional and relationship maturity.  There are many younger men who have not yet been married and thus have less baggage in the form of ex-wives and children.  They are still climbing the corporate ladder and really appreciate a mature woman who knows how to entertain and are not in competition with you over your career; that can be really attractive.

Parts of this blog have been excerpted from  aprilbraswell.com/blog/cougar-love-5-hot-reasons-for-single-baby-boomer-women-to-consider-dating-younger-men.

Now this blog will not do justice  unless I point out some cons to dating younger men.  I have dated younger men.  One was 20 years younger and one was 12 years younger.  Here are a few of my cons:

Generational differences:  I grew up watching Gunsmoke, Lawrence Welk, and The Rat Pack to name a few.  If I’m dating someone 20-25 years younger than me there are going to be big differences in what we relate to in the form of television, movies and music.  That’s not to say I don’t like those  movies and music, and I can relate because I have one child in her 30s and one in her 20’s.  BUT I don’t want that “deer in the headlight” look when I reference a movie or TV show from the 60s and 70s.

Relationship Oriented/Partying: A lot of younger men still have some maturing to do.  Many of them are comittmentaphobic and like to party.  I’m working at undoing the damage I did to my body by drinking and smoking for 30 years.  They (not all of them I’m sure) are not so tuned in to the damage that partying will do to your body.

Settling down and raising children:  I have raised two children and am not interested in raising any more.  I think many Baby Boomer women feel the same way.  There are probably men in their 20s and 30s who don’t want children but there are some who have small children and are divorced.  I’m not even ready for grandchildren yet.

Now  you baby boomer women have some pros and cons about dating younger men.  Don’t worry if someone calls you a Cougar – just go out and have some fun dating!

 

 

What Happens When You Run Into A Former Online Date?

The other day I was out taking a hike with my friend and we passed by a man with a young girl, perhaps his granddaughter, and my friend says” I’ve seen that guy on OurTime,” which is a dating website.  That was the first time I had heard about OurTime.com so of course my ears perked up and I thought oh boy…more blogging material!   I have posted the link here if you are looking for yet another dating site to try out.  Here is what they say about their site:  OurTime.com is the premier online 50+ dating service. OurTime.com is designed for 50+ dating, pen pals and to bring older singles together.  http://www.ourtime.com/.  That’s the Baby Boomer Generation and what this blog is all about.  I also came across another one: AARP Dating.  http://dating.aarp.org/.  They say “We’ve changed the way online dating works – and it’s way better.”

That hiking experience reminded me of something that I had forgotten…that’s what is fun about this blog…lots of memories are coming around.  Some good and some…well let’s just say some I learned from and that is what I want to share with you.  So, what happens when you run into a former online date and what do you do?  Here are a few of my experiences:

There was the guy that I had coffee with that was really into thin, athletic girls, according to his profile.  I had written on my profile that I was “average” because well what exactly is average?  I wasn’t too confident in my body image but I wasn’t exactly fat!  In looking back, I shouldn’t have agreed to go on the date because it couldn’t end fast enough.  We were definitely not a match.  He was into every kind of sport imaginable and worked out every day.  At that time I can honestly say I wasn’t exercising more than maybe an hour a week.  I saw him months later when I decided to sign up for a gym membership.  There he was lifting weights.  He had the gloves and everything!  I tried to avoid eye contact but really I didn’t have to worry because I certainly wasn’t sporting the sexy gym wear that some of the other girls were wearing so he never even noticed.  I can laugh about it now but at the time I just wanted to run back into the locker room.  I never met a guy at a gym that led to a date because I didn’t enjoy the gym.  And besides do people actually date people they meet at a gym?

Speaking of that these days I go to the gym to do Yoga, Qi Gong or use the jacuzzi. I get my workout by partner dancing: West Coast Swing, Country Two Step, Jitterbug, Salsa and a few others.  Guys this is something you should learn to do if you want to meet a woman/women.  If you learn to partner dance you will never be shy of having a woman to dance with.   A good male lead is worth his weight in GOLD!

Another guy I met online invited me to meet him at his work.  He worked at a car dealership so I stopped by one day on my way home.  I think I was just coming home from a trip to Berkeley where I had gotten horribly lost (this was long before I owned a smart phone.)  I told him about how I got lost and he took me to his computer and brought up Google maps and showed me where I went the wrong way.  I think he liked that his co-workers saw he could attract a pretty lady.  After that meeting I just quietly slipped away because there wasn’t anything to bring me back for a second date.  Later I saw him at Peet’s having coffee with another lady.  He was very intent into the conversation and didn’t see me which was a good thing.

I haven’t really had too many awkward run in’s with people I met online thank goodness.   But if I did, I am confident enough in myself these days (remember I started out online dating about 12 years ago) to think that I would be graceful and polite and hopefully if I stepped on any toes out there no one is mad at me.  But then again I must admit there are the awkward times when you recognize him and he recognizes you but no one says anything – you just look away.  That happened to me today.  I smiled inwardly because that guy was such a jerk.  At the time I went out with him I didn’t have as much confidence as I do now.  These days (if I was still online dating) I wouldn’t tolerate such behavior.  The man I am with now is very kind and respectful.  It is proof to me that I have come such a long way.

Here’s a question for you.   If you see someone who you recognize from a dating site, would you say hello or walk away?  Have you had any awkward run-in’s from an online date?  Feel free to comment on the blog.  The comment button is at the top.

And before I forget…if you want some more first date ideas check out this blog: http://carolbalawyder.com/2013/09/12/top-ten-first-dates-the-market/

Happy Dating!

Online Dating Enjoying a Boom Among Boomers

I was talking to a friend the other day about online dating and we were discussing how far we have come in the past 10 -12 years with the “acceptance of online dating.”  Around that same time I came across a re-broadcast of an Oprah program from 2002 where women were discussing their experiences of online dating after age 45. Ten or twelve years ago you were looked at as a loser, weird, or just desperate.  Today, if you mention to someone that you are online dating it really is no big deal.  That conversation and radio program prompted me to look around the internet to see what articles I could find about Baby Boomers and online dating to reinforce the notion that you are not a loser, weird, or desperate if you are considering or are already online dating.  I found a Time Magazine article from 2010 about how Online Dating is enjoying a splash among Boomers.  I’ve excerpted that article into this blog.  You can read the full article at: http://content.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2033283,00.html

Today, it is Baby Boomers who are making the biggest splash in the online dating pool. Just as Baby Boomers have lagged behind younger people in embracing the new technology, so have they been slower to dip their toe into the cyberspace dating waters. “Once you shove them out there, they adapt quickly. They remember what it’s like to have fun.”

Online dating is a natural for aging Baby Boomers precisely because they’ve been around the block a few times. “Older singles also have a better perspective on their personal values and priorities in life.  Experience from past relationships is a huge advantage for older singles who are looking to get into another long-term relationship.”

Boomers, moreover, often have a more open-minded view of potential partners, which is well suited to the online search process. “Older people are looking for a companion, a lifelong partner,” says Fisher. “They are not looking for a reproductive partner, so they can look at a broader range of individuals and are more likely to pick somebody from different social economic or religious backgrounds. They don’t have to bring this person home to mother anymore and explain why he’s Greek instead of Jewish.”

And with age comes a wider circle of connections. There are countless stories about Boomers bumping into someone online whom they knew in their early years. Jerry Brown, 60, a widower from Lake Forest, Calif., was pushed to start dating again by his daughters, who took his photo and wrote his online profile; soon he was perusing potential mates under the screen name Voltageman5050.

Here is an excerpt from a great blog by Stephanie Stephens about how us Baby Boomers are not desperate but we are lonely and how men want to commit sooner than women.  You can read the full article at: http://mindyourbody.tv/successful-online-dating/

You can watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYO2gwQyRQE

We boomers aren’t desperate: Singles over 60 are most likely to insist on a partnership that includes sexual attraction and romance; moreover, they are more likely than any other age group to achieve orgasm—a thrilling 91-100 percent of the time!

 Men find loneliness just as stressful as women do: Thirty-one percent of men and 33 percent of women report that they find loneliness to be “very stressful” or “somewhat stressful.” And men are more likely to report that loneliness is a challenging aspect of being single (27 percent of men and 22 percent of women).

 When it comes to cohabitation, men want to commit sooner than women: Contrary to popular belief, when dating a new partner, 46 percent of men and 26 percent of women would expect to move in together before they’d been dating someone for less than a year.  Additionally, the odds for us boomer gals aren’t bad. Although from 2007, statistics showed that in our age group, there were 92 men for every 100 women for those of us aged 55 through 64.

I would love to hear about your experience as a Baby Boomer and Online Dating.  Feel free to leave a comment and you can post anonymously if you want to.  Until next time…happy dating!

 

 

You’ve hit it off – now what?

Here is a great YouTube video so be sure and watch it!

Happy by Pharrell Williams

So you’ve been searching through the various profiles and exchanged a few emails, texts and are now going on that first date.  Perhaps it is to one of those places I mentioned in the last blog: Peets, Starbucks, a sushi restaurant, or perhaps even the beach.  You meet, can’t stop talking, laughing and just have an amazing time.  You’re now at home and can’t stop thinking about him or her. YOU ARE DOING THE HAPPY DANCE!!!!

So now what?  Do the old rules apply?  Wait three days before you call?  Who calls who?  It used to be an absolute rule that the girl never calls the guy first.  I say throw the rules in the garbage.  This is the 21st century after all.  I think it is perfectly okay to send an email or text or even a phone call after the first date to tell that person how much you enjoyed yourself.  And you wouldn’t think twice about sending a thank you note to a hostess after a party or a thank you note after a job interview so why not thank the person you just went out on a date with.  I know, it does make you vulnerable but what the heck what do you have to lose?  A little pride maybe. Because it is possible that you may be doing the happy dance and the other person thought it was just a so so date.  However, it is also possible that the other person is afraid to be vulnerable and let you know how much they enjoyed themselves so speak up, be brave and risk a little!

Here is a quote from Anaïs Nin that I absolutely love….“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”  http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/quote-of-the-month/anais-nin-getting-unstuck

 Happy Dancing!!!

Spring Is Here; First Date Ideas

I love Spring!  The tulips, daffodils and Irises are all in bloom.  And it is a great time to find love.  Think of the movie Bambi.  It’s a time to be twitterpated. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/twitterpated  So, if you are wondering where to meet someone for a first date I can make some recommendations.  There are some really great places in Sonoma County to have first dates, especially now that Spring has arrived.  You can meet for “coffee” at Starbucks, Peets, Aroma Roasters, or SoCo, or you can meet at Spring Lake, Annadel or Howarth Park for a walk around the lake.  These can be a sort of “meet and greet.”  If you hit it off, great!  Then you can make a dinner or movie date.  If not, everyone can go their separate ways.  I learned the hard way that a lengthy first date with someone who isn’t a match can be excruciating.

However,  a first date with someone who is a match can last an entire day.  Don’t forget to explore the coast (if you have established a good rapport.) Two of my favorite beaches for walking and talking (and holding hands) are Salmon Creek, just outside of Bodega Bay, and Stinson in Marin.  Both of these beaches have limited parking so get an early start and make a day of it!!!!

Here is a YouTube video of Downtown Santa Rosa with some first date ideas: http://youtu.be/WCitf5QABMc

More on Mobile Apps and How Online Dating is Like Crack

For some baby boomers using a smart phone can be challenging and so the idea of installing and using an app for your phone can seem even more daunting.  But it’s not that hard and I’m sure you can ask a young person to help you.  Here is how you “download” an app for your phone or other mobile device.  You will want to go to the App Store on your smart phone  or other mobile device and do a search.  Type in the name of the dating site such as Okc – Ok Cupid or POF – Plenty of Fish to name just two.  Once the app shows up you can install it for free.   My recommendation is to have already registered with the site on your home computer for ease in signing in on the mobile app.

Now to my next topic: How Online Dating is Like Crack

I was reading an email the other day from one of my favorite authors, Dr. Ali Binazir.  He has written several books and I personally have purchased “The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible” – http://TaoOfDating.com/women.   He has written one for men too. “The Tao of Dating: The Thinking Man’s Enlightened Guide to Success with Women” – http://TaoOfDating.com/men.  These books have a lot of helpful information about dating with a spiritual twist.  Dr. Ali uses the term Goddess in his book for women.  Who is a Goddess? Oh, you mean me?  You can purchase the books through Amazon and he has an ebook version too.

Dr. Ali also sends out regular emails, if you want to subscribe.  Here is a snippet from his mailbag that had me laughing out loud..actually, I was giggling out loud.  He has given permission to share so here you go: In other news, I’ve also been receiving many letters of the “omigod I met someone online who seemed perfect and then for some strange reason things went terribly wrong omigod what happened please explain please please” variety. It’s like I’ve been telling you for years not to smoke crack, and then you come and say:

So doc, last night I was smoking crack, and my crack pipe started to malfunction and instead of blowing the hot smoke up my nose it went straight into my eyes. It hurt so bad! What should I do?

{Here is where I started giggling}

Well, you should stop smoking crack, that’s what you should do. Online dating is the problem. Think about it this way: Ever been to a bar? Know people who hooked up with or even married someone they met at a bar? I mean, hey, friends don’t let friends do that kinda thing, but it happens. Still, it doesn’t exactly make bars Soulmate Central.

Now let’s take that bar and make it 10,000 times bigger, so it’s even more of a zoo. Let’s put lifts in all the guys’ shoes and put fake money in their pockets. Let’s give all the women fake IDs that say they’re 5 years younger. Everyone only says things that they’ve rehearsed before, so they sound sooo smooooth. And let’s make everyone 100 times ruder and more dismissive than they are in real life. Welcome to online dating. Are you sure you sure this is where you want to find a mate? 

http://taoofdating.com/dating-alcoholic-buddhist/

Another email  that was very informative was about not using text messaging or emails to break it off with someone.  Now I know it can be tempting but a breakup does require a real time conversation.  Unless…do you think it is ok to email if you only had one or two dates? Here is what Dr. Ali has to say about that: “No emotional communication via email, text, or voicemail (aka asynchronous media).  Ever. You should use email, text and even voicemail to transmit straight data only.  ‘What time are we meeting’, ‘what’s the address’, that kind of thing.  The occasional compliment or flirty message is okay, but even those can be subject to misunderstanding.”

http://taoofdating.com/number-one-mistake-in-modern-communication/

So I think it goes without saying that we must remember to use our manners.  Thanks to Dr. Ali Binazir for his great wisdom AND commonsense approach to dating.

Part 2: Dating Apps and Online Dating Sites

Part 2: Dating Apps and Online Dating Sites.

From the PewResearch Internet Project.  This survey was conducted in 2013.  Here are some interesting statistics:

One in every ten American adults has used an online dating site or a mobile dating app. We refer to these individuals throughout this report as “online daters,” and we define them in the following way:

·         11% of internet users (representing 9% of all adults) say that they have personally used on online dating site such as Match.com, eHarmony, or OK Cupid.

·         7% of cell phone apps users (representing 3% of all adults) say that they have used a dating app on their cell phone. 

·         Older adults use online dating sites in at least modest numbers, but dating app usage is effectively non-existent for people in their mid-forties and beyond.

·         40% of online daters have used an online dating site or app designed for people with shared interests or backgrounds

·         33% of online daters have paid to use an online dating site or app

·         60% of active online daters say that “meeting people who share similar interests or hobbies” is a major reason they use online dating.

·         52% say that “meeting people who share your beliefs or values” is a major reason they use online dating.

·         46% say that “finding someone for a long-term relationship or marriage” is a major reason they use online dating.

·         33% say that “having a schedule that makes it hard to meet interesting people in other ways” is a major reason they use online dating.

·         25% say that “meeting people who just want to have fun without being in a serious relationship” is a major reason they use online dating.

[